Everyone does a little "end of year reflection" as the year closes, right? and of course, I would love to do this, as this year has been a doozy. This sort of felt like the year that the wheels fell off the car, and we flipped and crashed. Sort of like this.
For me professionally, it was definitely that year. I learned a lot of things this year, things that sort of kill the optimist in me in some ways, sadly. It's the problem with the kind of gig I was in, people feel passionately about where they worship, and sometimes their passions turn to agendas, which turn to toxic things that hurt lots of people (including themselves). The fortunate thing is that there is healing, even in crappy circumstances. And I did walk away with some good lessons on life through both my experiences and those of friends (new or just reminders):
* people are awesome. Having people who care about Jesus and about people are most always the greatest people to be around. and when you go through crap, they are a must have to make it through the day.
* people are jerks. It is easy to criticize things (of any type or organization), and very hard to do anything constructive. When people just want to pick things apart, they generally forget that people are involved, they just see ideas. And when that happens, the ugly side of humanity (the side that disowns humanness) rears it's head.
* leaders with little vision & integrity are dangerous to partner with, and not dangerous in a good way.
* politics & political systems + church = crap. because it becomes less about Jesus moving in the world, and more about kissing babies and making committees happy so you keep your job. I would go so far to say those aren't really churches so much as civic groups. Sort of like a non profit.
* toxic work environments don't just affect you. they affect your family too. as such, they aren't worth sticking around to be a martyr for the cause. value your family, get the crap out.
That last one was a hard pill to swallow for me this year too. It ended up being hard to pull my head out of my troubles to realize the damage that my value of my work had done to my family. I knew things were bad, but I hoped they would change, and had lots of "what if's" that never materialized to help solve the problem. And while I have hated losing that job with students I enjoyed, being gone from that job has been good for me in a lot of ways. And if they offered me my job back with twice the salary, I would tell them no. Unless I was on the brink of losing my house and my family couldn't afford to live, I would never go back.
My family suffered through the year a lot, though a lot of our struggle has been long term, which is mostly my fault. That was the other hard part of the year, the personal struggles and failures. In some ways, losing the things I did opened my eyes up to that more this year. Finding that I placed too much self worth in where I draw my paycheck from was maybe one of the greatest things that came out of the year. And as a guy who teaches finding worth in BEING rather than DOING, I had a lot of self confidence wrapped up in my job. Having that crumble away was actually quite healthy for me.
Learning to receive and trust for provision was also a great lesson this year. Frankly, without things being provided and given to us as they were this year, we probably would have collapsed, financially or otherwise. It is a strange paradox to struggle with not being angry with God about where your life has taken you while thanking him for sustaining your family in ways you don't understand. Weird to say "thanks for the help, but I am still pissed at you about all this..." It's good to know that God provides even when we aren't in the mood to just receive the help. God holds us together, even when things fall apart. And I know and trust that deep in my bones now that I have lived (am living) it.
This year was for sure the hardest and most miserable year I have ever had I think. Professionally and personally, it was stained with heartache, anger, mistakes, injustice, and stress. But in that I learned a lot about life, faith, and trust. And I was reminded the value of love, and of family. I was forced into lessons on humility, and learned that we are held together even when things seem like they are falling apart.
Like I said, it felt like this year has been one where the wheels flew off, and we crashed. The thing I am finding in life is that you have to decide for yourself that it is worth it to climb from the wreckage and get up and go again. You have to trust that getting out of the car is a good thing. So, for us, we are trying to climb out of the wreck, and start over.
There is life in the car.
The story is not over. There is more left to tell and to just give up would be a waste.
Things that helped hold me together were these:
lunch/coffee with friends (thanks to you all)
teaching from mars hill church.
> the village elder
> songs like this
Live deeper.
So, a while back (and sadly only 2 posts ago...) I started a process about how to find a church. Regardless of WHY you are trying to find a church, you need to connect the dots on the HOW, and find that place, and plug in.
There are important factors to consider in what your church is about, and what that means to you. This is the other part of the conversation that makes the difference. Now, before I get into this, I need to say that a person's commitment to a church is a deeply personal thing, and that as believers, we all need to respect this about each other. Here's what I mean. Take my family for instance. My cousin (who is 2 weeks younger than I am and so I feel it a fair comparison that we are in similar age/stage of life), has been a part of the same church since before he was even a blip on the radar. He has never left. He feels a very deep tie to the place he has grown up. This is great, and I love that about him. He has "survived" a building relocation, ditching the choir robes, reinstatement of the robes, changing the color of the choir robes, an added monthly contemporary service, doubling the size of the campus, mission trips, staff changes, hardships and strains between people at church, COMMITTEES, and much more. I love that he is that committed to a (one) church. That said, this story is not true for all of us. Some of us have been burned, or just don't have luck with places, and as such, we tend to carry a bit of mistrust. Neither is more right than the other, it just simply is, as near as I can tell.
So, here are some more thoughts about finding the right place:
1. heart is key: What I mean is this, that you need a level of similar heartbeat with a place that you want to go. For example, if art is important to you, find a church with an arts community. If ministry to a particular group of people matters to you, find a place that targets those people. (i.e. don't find a church with a dog blessing ministry if you want to network with the homeless community in your city. you will find yourself in a constant state of frustration)
2. don't just find a church of yes men/women: Be willing to spend time with people outside your age/stage of life. They have good questions, good wisdom, and them disagreeing with you may turn out to be a really great thing. Either because their angle has great insight, or because their questions will provoke you to have a concrete answer about why you feel the way you feel. Either way, it's a win.
3. don't let "style" be THE issue: YES, we have preferences of how we like worship to look, and YES we tend to gravitate to those places, but don't let that be the defining issue of where you go. If we all just picked church based on the style of the place (be it music, facilities, how hipster the pastor is) we would never go, or there would be 3 churches in the world. (the old traditional one, the cool hip rock show, and the one for all the weirdos that don't fit either of the other 2) Sure, how a church worships can be helpful in finding a place, (if you connect with God in certain ways, a church that helps engage those is good) but it shouldn't be the only thing you look for.
4. know what the Church is meant to be, and find THAT: Look at the end of Acts 2, where they talk about the traits of a church. Remember that the Church is meant to be the bride of Jesus, and we are His sons and daughters. And to find a place that knows those things and embraces those things is important. If the place doesn't feel like what the Church is meant to be, ask why. Look for answers. Ask staff or people in the church you are visiting about it. If the answers leave you doubting, that may not be the place to land. Move on, and keep hunting.
5. consider WHERE you are in life, WHERE you want to be, and HOW your church ties into it: If you are, say, like myself, (an almost 30 year old with 2[ish] kids and a wife), find a place that values young families. Please note that I didn't say find a church of only young families. We need older generations to pass on wisdom we can't find anywhere else. We need those people in our church. BUT, if the church you visit doesn't seem to place any emphasis on that group (i.e. all classes/small groups/etc are targeting 60+ with nothing for young people) they are (intentionally or not) avoiding you and your age/stage. Probably not your place to land, though it could be. It just may be more of a fight.
6. avoid the numbers game: Large numbers of people doesn't equal a healthy place. Conversely, a small church doesn't equal an alive place where everyone knows/loves everyone. It just means the cliques are smaller. If you grew up in a small church, you may find you love a big place. If you grew up in megachurches, you may find you like a small community. The numbers simply don't matter. I've found places as small as 10 that I loved, 800, or 2000. All great places. When it comes to church, size doesn't matter.
Again, this isn't some sort of exhaustive, end all list, but it is some food for thought. Feel free to add to the conversation. Would love some feedback.
There are important factors to consider in what your church is about, and what that means to you. This is the other part of the conversation that makes the difference. Now, before I get into this, I need to say that a person's commitment to a church is a deeply personal thing, and that as believers, we all need to respect this about each other. Here's what I mean. Take my family for instance. My cousin (who is 2 weeks younger than I am and so I feel it a fair comparison that we are in similar age/stage of life), has been a part of the same church since before he was even a blip on the radar. He has never left. He feels a very deep tie to the place he has grown up. This is great, and I love that about him. He has "survived" a building relocation, ditching the choir robes, reinstatement of the robes, changing the color of the choir robes, an added monthly contemporary service, doubling the size of the campus, mission trips, staff changes, hardships and strains between people at church, COMMITTEES, and much more. I love that he is that committed to a (one) church. That said, this story is not true for all of us. Some of us have been burned, or just don't have luck with places, and as such, we tend to carry a bit of mistrust. Neither is more right than the other, it just simply is, as near as I can tell.
So, here are some more thoughts about finding the right place:
1. heart is key: What I mean is this, that you need a level of similar heartbeat with a place that you want to go. For example, if art is important to you, find a church with an arts community. If ministry to a particular group of people matters to you, find a place that targets those people. (i.e. don't find a church with a dog blessing ministry if you want to network with the homeless community in your city. you will find yourself in a constant state of frustration)
2. don't just find a church of yes men/women: Be willing to spend time with people outside your age/stage of life. They have good questions, good wisdom, and them disagreeing with you may turn out to be a really great thing. Either because their angle has great insight, or because their questions will provoke you to have a concrete answer about why you feel the way you feel. Either way, it's a win.
3. don't let "style" be THE issue: YES, we have preferences of how we like worship to look, and YES we tend to gravitate to those places, but don't let that be the defining issue of where you go. If we all just picked church based on the style of the place (be it music, facilities, how hipster the pastor is) we would never go, or there would be 3 churches in the world. (the old traditional one, the cool hip rock show, and the one for all the weirdos that don't fit either of the other 2) Sure, how a church worships can be helpful in finding a place, (if you connect with God in certain ways, a church that helps engage those is good) but it shouldn't be the only thing you look for.
4. know what the Church is meant to be, and find THAT: Look at the end of Acts 2, where they talk about the traits of a church. Remember that the Church is meant to be the bride of Jesus, and we are His sons and daughters. And to find a place that knows those things and embraces those things is important. If the place doesn't feel like what the Church is meant to be, ask why. Look for answers. Ask staff or people in the church you are visiting about it. If the answers leave you doubting, that may not be the place to land. Move on, and keep hunting.
5. consider WHERE you are in life, WHERE you want to be, and HOW your church ties into it: If you are, say, like myself, (an almost 30 year old with 2[ish] kids and a wife), find a place that values young families. Please note that I didn't say find a church of only young families. We need older generations to pass on wisdom we can't find anywhere else. We need those people in our church. BUT, if the church you visit doesn't seem to place any emphasis on that group (i.e. all classes/small groups/etc are targeting 60+ with nothing for young people) they are (intentionally or not) avoiding you and your age/stage. Probably not your place to land, though it could be. It just may be more of a fight.
6. avoid the numbers game: Large numbers of people doesn't equal a healthy place. Conversely, a small church doesn't equal an alive place where everyone knows/loves everyone. It just means the cliques are smaller. If you grew up in a small church, you may find you love a big place. If you grew up in megachurches, you may find you like a small community. The numbers simply don't matter. I've found places as small as 10 that I loved, 800, or 2000. All great places. When it comes to church, size doesn't matter.
Again, this isn't some sort of exhaustive, end all list, but it is some food for thought. Feel free to add to the conversation. Would love some feedback.
Read this in a magazine today, great thought. Here it goes:
"Sometimes producing things is more gratifying - and more conducive to building community - than consuming them." ny times mag ftw!
Its got me wondering, what would happen if Christianity got this. Not just thought it a good idea, but really GOT it. And lived it out.
What would the Church look like? If we hit our neighborhoods and spheres of influence and created something together instead of just consuming a service/cool song/sermon.
I think the are pockets that do this, but what if did it?
Live deeper...
So, in my whole journey out of church employment and into just going to church, I've been given a lot to think about. Mostly by myself of course, because I tend to enjoy over thinking things, but it's been a conversation that has been bigger than me at the same time. I have had quite a few conversations about it as of late, so I wanted to put some thoughts down on paper. I would love some discourse on this, so, intro out of the way, here we go...
SEARCHING FOR A CHURCH: SOME THOUGHTS
I think sometimes we think a lot of things about church-shopping, mostly:
1. that it's bad. (you're SHOPPING?! for a CHURCH?!?!?!? you don't SHOP for a church you PAGAN!!! REPENT!!!) Now, I'm not saying go to wal-mart and find the cheapest one that requires the least of you, but know that finding the right place sometimes means visiting lots of WRONG places. (even if it is just their poorly designed website)
2. that God will reveal to us in a chorus of 1000 angels that we have landed in the right church. No, probably not. Life is not an episode of touched by an angel. A dove won't fly into the picture and some lady next to you get a soft glow on top of her head and tell you in a thick irish accent that this is where you should be. It's much more natural than that. You find a community of people you relate to, God will place those people in front of you, and you'll know you're there. (Save the rest of this idea for part 2...)
3. that it is not worth the time/trouble/hastle/pain/etc... YES IT IS. It matters, because being a part of a community is seriously important. God wouldn't have built the Church if it wasn't something that mattered or that was supposed to exist. Some versions of church may be a horrible idea, but then, call me crazy, maybe those are the places you skip returning to. Doesn't mean all are bad. Some are really really great. That could be it's own blog, so we'll leave that as it is for now.
** important delineation to make here to: "attending services" is not the same as "going to church." Think about it.
4. that it will take forever - maybe, maybe not. doesn't mean it isn't worth the effort.
I have to say, it's been really freeing to dream about what church can look like, rather than settling for something that I might not really want to be a part of. And knowing that I am in no rush to find the place, but to really find the place I want to engage in has been really great. Maybe that's a good place to start, ask what you would LOVE in a place to join.
Part 2 coming up soon. Start dreaming. Live deeper.
As long as it's not like this, you'll be good:
SEARCHING FOR A CHURCH: SOME THOUGHTS
I think sometimes we think a lot of things about church-shopping, mostly:
1. that it's bad. (you're SHOPPING?! for a CHURCH?!?!?!? you don't SHOP for a church you PAGAN!!! REPENT!!!) Now, I'm not saying go to wal-mart and find the cheapest one that requires the least of you, but know that finding the right place sometimes means visiting lots of WRONG places. (even if it is just their poorly designed website)
2. that God will reveal to us in a chorus of 1000 angels that we have landed in the right church. No, probably not. Life is not an episode of touched by an angel. A dove won't fly into the picture and some lady next to you get a soft glow on top of her head and tell you in a thick irish accent that this is where you should be. It's much more natural than that. You find a community of people you relate to, God will place those people in front of you, and you'll know you're there. (Save the rest of this idea for part 2...)
3. that it is not worth the time/trouble/hastle/pain/etc... YES IT IS. It matters, because being a part of a community is seriously important. God wouldn't have built the Church if it wasn't something that mattered or that was supposed to exist. Some versions of church may be a horrible idea, but then, call me crazy, maybe those are the places you skip returning to. Doesn't mean all are bad. Some are really really great. That could be it's own blog, so we'll leave that as it is for now.
** important delineation to make here to: "attending services" is not the same as "going to church." Think about it.
4. that it will take forever - maybe, maybe not. doesn't mean it isn't worth the effort.
I have to say, it's been really freeing to dream about what church can look like, rather than settling for something that I might not really want to be a part of. And knowing that I am in no rush to find the place, but to really find the place I want to engage in has been really great. Maybe that's a good place to start, ask what you would LOVE in a place to join.
Part 2 coming up soon. Start dreaming. Live deeper.
As long as it's not like this, you'll be good:
A question I am pondering, for the Church, for me in relation to the Church (and church): What will you trade your life for? Feel like its an important question to ask, especially in chapter changes like I find myself in. We all trade for something. Money, power, love, fame, honor, country. How about you?
So, it hasn't really been 28 days, more like 40-ish, but the concept is there, right? Truth be told, it hasn't been that kind of detox. I'll explain. First you have to understand that as pastors, sometimes we are prone to ministry toxins. Sometimes we are aware of them, but do nothing, sometimes we try to avoid them, and sometimes they sneak up on us. But they are there none the less.
Ministry can be sort of like an exposure to something, I mean, good ministry - or just leadership for that matter - involves a lot of transparency. A lot of exposure. Putting yourself out there in a moment of honesty, hoping it works out. Some suffer the poison of the hero syndrome, in which they hold up their ministry on their shoulders, and refuse to budge, saying that they won't let go of the thing that God has entrusted them with, because it's their calling. They feel like its their duty to save the world by working in ministry, regardless the cost. This is a hard one to combat, because they play the "God has called me to this" card as often as possible, and hold it over any naysayers or critics. And truth be told, we (leaders) all want to feel like we matter, and playing the "save the cheerleader, save the world" card helps us feel good about ourselves (as if leadership and ministry were about us, right?)
Others suffer from buddy syndrome, in that everyone is good friends, and they don't want to leave their friends hanging, so they overcommit themselves, doing anything and everything that comes their way ministry-wise. Needless to say, they suffer massive burnout at times, and they don't understand why life isn't balanced.
Some simply exist with what I refer to as barnacle syndrome. Like a boat on the water collecting these toxic animals, taking on things that aren't necessarily healthy, though you can sail with them. If you sail with too many though, when they come off your rots out and then your boat sinks. And of course, the "why me God?" card is always in play here.
On some level, I have probably been a person needing treatment of all 3 of these in some sort of degree, though the one that finally did me in so to speak was barnacle syndrome. As I got ready to leave, I had a range of emotions, from being sad for the kids I was leaving to joy for the things that awaited when I left, the opportunity to go to a new church, and to see the life that was out there for me and my family. But as I got ready to leave, I knew I cared about the kids, but I began to pull away and detach emotionally from the place, and realized that I was a boat in a sea of barnacles. I had help fighting them off, but there was enough in the water that it was bad for me to keep the boat there.
Now, hear me right on this, there are lots of people there I love, and will always love and enjoy and be friends and care for. But, in the grand picture, it was a place that long term was not going to be healthy for me. This was a hard thing for me to admit, and I was not totally aware of it, because, you know, sometimes barnacles are under the surface. You don't know they are there til it's too late to do much. And I also thought it was just part of the job. While there is some truth to that, there isn't much to it. Toxic is toxic, exposure is bad. Period.
Being away was good for me, because this forced me cold turkey to cut off the barnacles. It's been tough, but it's also been good. It has been quite a challenge in a lot of ways, with more stress than I would have thought possible. Taking a pay cut, having major financial issues in the form of a busted transmission in one of our cars. And yet in all of this, we are still a float. I never really doubted that God would provide, but I didn't know where this road was heading, and I didn't like that. On some level, the selfish jerk in me still doesn't.
In those moments, I found myself fighting something I claim to hate: entitlement. Somewhere I found myself saying "God, why did you DO this? I mean, I gave up a good career path, good money, security, for youth ministry. And now you've left me out in the cold. What the crap?! You owe me better than that." That last phrase would stop me, because what I know is, God doesn't owe me a thing. In all honesty, at the end of the day, He doesn't owe me anything at all. Yet here I am, asking what His deal is, why he is making life so difficult, and yet, He has provided in ways I would have never imagined.
Don Miller's latest book talks about the importance of living a good story, and on some level, I feel like I am writing one heck of a chapter right now. He makes this reference to why abused people stay in their situation though, and he said "[they] are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation is bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay."
Reading that, I wondered if that was my job at church. Good times with the kids, but past that, I was in an environment that wasn't a story I should be writing or living. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Not just in abusive relationships, but in everyday relationships? In our jobs? In the churches that we attend (regardless of whether or not we work for them.)? How much did I lose relationally at home by ignoring my buddy syndrome? How much unnecessary crap did I have to deal with by not being intentional about cutting out the barnacles instead of letting them build up? Did I really cause more harm than good if I ever played the hero, taking credit away from God?
What if we all have been living less of a story than we should? Enter detox. And so, while leaving was hard, I knew it was the right thing to do. And knowing that God is providing what I need, even in weird ways and methods, and I don't fully get the why behind this all yet, I know that my father loves me. And in that, I have all I need.
live deeper.
Ministry can be sort of like an exposure to something, I mean, good ministry - or just leadership for that matter - involves a lot of transparency. A lot of exposure. Putting yourself out there in a moment of honesty, hoping it works out. Some suffer the poison of the hero syndrome, in which they hold up their ministry on their shoulders, and refuse to budge, saying that they won't let go of the thing that God has entrusted them with, because it's their calling. They feel like its their duty to save the world by working in ministry, regardless the cost. This is a hard one to combat, because they play the "God has called me to this" card as often as possible, and hold it over any naysayers or critics. And truth be told, we (leaders) all want to feel like we matter, and playing the "save the cheerleader, save the world" card helps us feel good about ourselves (as if leadership and ministry were about us, right?)
Others suffer from buddy syndrome, in that everyone is good friends, and they don't want to leave their friends hanging, so they overcommit themselves, doing anything and everything that comes their way ministry-wise. Needless to say, they suffer massive burnout at times, and they don't understand why life isn't balanced.
Some simply exist with what I refer to as barnacle syndrome. Like a boat on the water collecting these toxic animals, taking on things that aren't necessarily healthy, though you can sail with them. If you sail with too many though, when they come off your rots out and then your boat sinks. And of course, the "why me God?" card is always in play here.
On some level, I have probably been a person needing treatment of all 3 of these in some sort of degree, though the one that finally did me in so to speak was barnacle syndrome. As I got ready to leave, I had a range of emotions, from being sad for the kids I was leaving to joy for the things that awaited when I left, the opportunity to go to a new church, and to see the life that was out there for me and my family. But as I got ready to leave, I knew I cared about the kids, but I began to pull away and detach emotionally from the place, and realized that I was a boat in a sea of barnacles. I had help fighting them off, but there was enough in the water that it was bad for me to keep the boat there.
Now, hear me right on this, there are lots of people there I love, and will always love and enjoy and be friends and care for. But, in the grand picture, it was a place that long term was not going to be healthy for me. This was a hard thing for me to admit, and I was not totally aware of it, because, you know, sometimes barnacles are under the surface. You don't know they are there til it's too late to do much. And I also thought it was just part of the job. While there is some truth to that, there isn't much to it. Toxic is toxic, exposure is bad. Period.
Being away was good for me, because this forced me cold turkey to cut off the barnacles. It's been tough, but it's also been good. It has been quite a challenge in a lot of ways, with more stress than I would have thought possible. Taking a pay cut, having major financial issues in the form of a busted transmission in one of our cars. And yet in all of this, we are still a float. I never really doubted that God would provide, but I didn't know where this road was heading, and I didn't like that. On some level, the selfish jerk in me still doesn't.
In those moments, I found myself fighting something I claim to hate: entitlement. Somewhere I found myself saying "God, why did you DO this? I mean, I gave up a good career path, good money, security, for youth ministry. And now you've left me out in the cold. What the crap?! You owe me better than that." That last phrase would stop me, because what I know is, God doesn't owe me a thing. In all honesty, at the end of the day, He doesn't owe me anything at all. Yet here I am, asking what His deal is, why he is making life so difficult, and yet, He has provided in ways I would have never imagined.
Don Miller's latest book talks about the importance of living a good story, and on some level, I feel like I am writing one heck of a chapter right now. He makes this reference to why abused people stay in their situation though, and he said "[they] are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation is bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay."
Reading that, I wondered if that was my job at church. Good times with the kids, but past that, I was in an environment that wasn't a story I should be writing or living. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Not just in abusive relationships, but in everyday relationships? In our jobs? In the churches that we attend (regardless of whether or not we work for them.)? How much did I lose relationally at home by ignoring my buddy syndrome? How much unnecessary crap did I have to deal with by not being intentional about cutting out the barnacles instead of letting them build up? Did I really cause more harm than good if I ever played the hero, taking credit away from God?
What if we all have been living less of a story than we should? Enter detox. And so, while leaving was hard, I knew it was the right thing to do. And knowing that God is providing what I need, even in weird ways and methods, and I don't fully get the why behind this all yet, I know that my father loves me. And in that, I have all I need.
live deeper.
Hey there blog. Long time no see.
I have had a lot of thoughts about life, shocker right? With all the crazy transitions that life has had recently, I have had lots to think about, right? Strangely, lots of people think I am really angry I think. I will post later, but I am actually not so bitter about the whole thing really.
I'm mostly putting this up to hold myself accountable that the thoughts in my head need to get out on paper (metaphorical or otherwise). So, I hope to have something for you soon.
But please know that the last month, while hard at times, has been good on the whole. Sort of like detoxing, getting rid of things that needed to go you know? There are parts I will always love and miss, but on the whole, detox is a good word for the last month. Even with all the stress.
Anyways, see you soon out there.
live deeper...
I have had a lot of thoughts about life, shocker right? With all the crazy transitions that life has had recently, I have had lots to think about, right? Strangely, lots of people think I am really angry I think. I will post later, but I am actually not so bitter about the whole thing really.
I'm mostly putting this up to hold myself accountable that the thoughts in my head need to get out on paper (metaphorical or otherwise). So, I hope to have something for you soon.
But please know that the last month, while hard at times, has been good on the whole. Sort of like detoxing, getting rid of things that needed to go you know? There are parts I will always love and miss, but on the whole, detox is a good word for the last month. Even with all the stress.
Anyways, see you soon out there.
live deeper...
my son saying i love you the other night.
Jónsi's new album go. amazing.
in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:
the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.
having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)
the great weather.
the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )
Jónsi's new album go. amazing.
in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:
the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.
having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)
the great weather.
the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )
I don't know about you all, but for me, life feels so bipolar. I am excited about life, and about new possibilities, but not knowing where things are going sucks. The freedom of getting to do something new is sinking in, and I am almost excited about it now, even though the circumstances are complete crap. I try to love the church and yet the church fails people. I am really praying and excited for the chance to only have to have one job, so I can see my family more, and that more than anything makes the difficulty in my transition worth the pain and irritation. Yet, as I am trying to be positive and look forward to more time for family and friends, I am seeing the pain in friends' lives.
Life can be so dramatic sometimes, in terms of our light and dark. This poet I heard once wrote a whole poem about this idea of contrast. It's so great. Check it out here. The Church just celebrated the resurrection, yet churches are full of unhappy people, who fight with each other, and even more personally, people are content to attack each other. It deeply saddens me.
For instance, last week I spent an afternoon in court in a custody hearing for one of my students. The uniqueness of this case is that it was custody over where he goes to church. And while I still stand by that family, and hope that things work the way they want, I still have to step back and ask myself where in the world we landed that we go to court to let a judge dictate where our kids go to church, and who they can go with to church. I found out a friend of mine has left his wife in the middle of an adoption, and shotgunned that plan. I have another friend who just filed for divorce, and is probably about to join the crazy custody club. A student of mine is struggling with his decision a year ago to give up his parental rights to adoptive parents, and now he doesn't know how/where/what is going on with his daughter. And his daughter's mom won't speak to him. Life is just so fractured, so broken.
I think about this for me, after seeing one of my teaching pastors I respect say he is going on an 8 month leave to deal with "sins that have taken a toll on my marriage." Now, as a guy who works at a church (for now), I will say that there is something deeply wrong with how churches structure themselves, in that they leave a staff person NO space or time for family. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but those places are few and far between. For more on this idea, read this article. I think it articulates the whole thing really well. (side note: if you work for a church, READ THIS! you need to at least have the brain food)
And we are surprised when we see things like the Tiger Woods story. His story is not that unique I think. We don't allow ourselves the space to be together, and just be. My wife, who is AWESOME, called me out on this yesterday. I had the day off, but felt like I needed to be out doing something. Getting groceries, running around, checking email. She brought up the point that I didn't talk to her, was too busy checking emails, etc. and missed out on time with her. And I am a guy who loves to scream to the world to focus less on doing and more on being, yet in the panic of my life right now, somehow I lost sight of that. Like I needed to be on the run doing things to help out around the house to feel like I was contributing something. Not that it's bad for me to look for a new job or get groceries, because that has to happen, but to say "yeah, I have to get the job thing straight, but for now, wait on the emails. spend time at home and be present." I almost salvaged the afternoon from being a total wreck, but only because my wife called me out on it. (did I mention that she is AWESOME?)
For us, I think this means we have to make a brave decision. To be bold, and take steps to fight for the things that are MOST IMPORTANT. To believe in forgiveness and grace. As I read in a friend's blog we have to be less concerned with our safety, and more concerned with making the decisions we can live with. Am I okay with being the husband that ignores his wife to check email? No. So, what changes? Check email less? Different time? And that isn't that hard a decision really, but what about the deeply personal things that hurt us? What does it mean to get hurt by people, and to not move forward with the focus being to protect ourselves? If we dream things that are only within our power and are safe, is that really living? As my buddy's blog put it: "We can close up and shut down or we can learn and then trust again."
So for us who live in contrast, learn from those that wound you. Don't close down. (And know that I hate myself for writing that, but I still believe it) To shut down means you settle for something safe and manageable, and that's not what you were made for. It's not what I was created for. Relearn the art of quality time (again, speaking to myself here). And trust that light can be found in dark places, and that Love will set things right. Even that much more so if we allow Him to.
Redemption is real.
You are not alone.
I am not alone in my junk.
Life is not for regrets, and we are not the sum of our successes and failures.
Live deeper.
Let me tell you of the wonderful things that happen when you have connections. We have family that work at the zoo, which is AWESOME. As an added bonus to our zoo membership, the employee perk was we got the chance to take a tour of the new kid's zoo before it opened up on spring break.
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
I just saw this today visiting a friend's twitter page, and I have to say that my mind is blown by it. I had heard bits of the conversation surrounding this, but I didn't understand the degree to which Oklahoma City is involved in this.
For those of you that don't know, human trafficking is the "PC" way to refer to the human sex trade. (side note: keep an eye on this in Haiti too, because now that a semblance of stability is in place, this crime has re-started in Haiti, and it needs to be squashed now before it can get up and running again) It's not a pretty thing, and it's a horrible injustice to humanity, and to the heart of God. Nothing about this is okay, and I think it is something that needs to be combated against this. This kind of thing really makes me frustrated for the justice in the world (or seeming lack of), but it's a good kind of frustration. The kind that makes me want to be a person of action, not just anger and words.
Here is a video explaining a local group called "all things new" that is actually in Oklahoma City, doing some incredible work. My brain is already trying to think of ways to get involved and support them.
My friend's blog about this also listed his resources from the State Department's 2007 Trafficking In Persons (TIP) report. You can view that here.
I would encourage and challenge you guys to get involved too. Rage and fight against this kind of thing. And do whatever you can to help end it.
For those of you that don't know, human trafficking is the "PC" way to refer to the human sex trade. (side note: keep an eye on this in Haiti too, because now that a semblance of stability is in place, this crime has re-started in Haiti, and it needs to be squashed now before it can get up and running again) It's not a pretty thing, and it's a horrible injustice to humanity, and to the heart of God. Nothing about this is okay, and I think it is something that needs to be combated against this. This kind of thing really makes me frustrated for the justice in the world (or seeming lack of), but it's a good kind of frustration. The kind that makes me want to be a person of action, not just anger and words.
Here is a video explaining a local group called "all things new" that is actually in Oklahoma City, doing some incredible work. My brain is already trying to think of ways to get involved and support them.
My friend's blog about this also listed his resources from the State Department's 2007 Trafficking In Persons (TIP) report. You can view that here.
I would encourage and challenge you guys to get involved too. Rage and fight against this kind of thing. And do whatever you can to help end it.
The last few months have been tough. I have my share of tough things to slosh through, and I have had friends that have had their share of lousy things to trudge through as well. My students have had people from their schools commit suicide, and it has been a rough season for many for various reasons. (not to mention being too busy for my own good. it's taken me 4 days to get this entry finished!)
But the thing I want to point to is the idea to keep going. To stay on the move. I remember one of my friends in college saying that when he wasn't sure where/what all he wanted to do as he progressed in college, that he decided to stay in school rather than back off, saying it was better to keep moving than to stop. Made a lot of sense to me then, but it makes even more sense to me now. I appreciate his view on that a lot more than I used to.
And so, for you, if you are feeling the weight of life, keep going. I was talking to a friend today, and he was saying the same kind of stuff. Rather than having lots of vague questions of God with no answers, ask for some specific things, and see what happens. You will find answers, even if they are no's. Stay on the move, because that is a good place to be. As my friend said, by saying what you want, what you're thinking you allow God to acknowledge what you want, and He might say yes, or He might derail you, but you'll know where you are at least.
I have been asking myself questions since my vacation. Well, maybe a bit ON my vacation. Of asking where God is on the move, because He usually always is somewhere (side note: often times this IS OUTSIDE THE WALLS OF THE CHURCH!). And I have been asking a lot of where is He on the move. Haven't figured that all out yet, but I am hoping that when that happens I am in a good place, and that good things are going on.
And, at the same time, I have to overcome a lot of fear of variables and things I don't get to control. Or fear of things not working how I want them to. Being afarid of not making enough money, or of landing in a season that is worse than what I am in, or "x" fill in the blank. I forget how liberating it can be to trust, try to have faith and let go of my need to KNOW what is going on. Now, that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind, because, you have to be smart about things. For me, I have to think bigger than me, because I have a marriage and a family to consider. Throwing out total control doesn't mean you throw out your intelligence too. Have to have both.
Another thing that is keeping me inspired is this group called "People of the Second Chance." They are an amazing community to be tied to, and I am glad to walk with them. Because I need to know grace in my life and in my leadership. And because it is important to be a person of grace and 2nd chances over and over and over. They are the grace version of how I feel about hope. I need to be a person of hope for myself on days when hope seems gone, and I need to be a person of hope because life is big and messy and beautiful, and it all points to a person. And hope is a powerful thing.
So, while you need to be smart and intentional about what/where you are going, hold to grace, cling to hope, and keep going.
Or, put it another way.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
But the thing I want to point to is the idea to keep going. To stay on the move. I remember one of my friends in college saying that when he wasn't sure where/what all he wanted to do as he progressed in college, that he decided to stay in school rather than back off, saying it was better to keep moving than to stop. Made a lot of sense to me then, but it makes even more sense to me now. I appreciate his view on that a lot more than I used to.
And so, for you, if you are feeling the weight of life, keep going. I was talking to a friend today, and he was saying the same kind of stuff. Rather than having lots of vague questions of God with no answers, ask for some specific things, and see what happens. You will find answers, even if they are no's. Stay on the move, because that is a good place to be. As my friend said, by saying what you want, what you're thinking you allow God to acknowledge what you want, and He might say yes, or He might derail you, but you'll know where you are at least.
I have been asking myself questions since my vacation. Well, maybe a bit ON my vacation. Of asking where God is on the move, because He usually always is somewhere (side note: often times this IS OUTSIDE THE WALLS OF THE CHURCH!). And I have been asking a lot of where is He on the move. Haven't figured that all out yet, but I am hoping that when that happens I am in a good place, and that good things are going on.
And, at the same time, I have to overcome a lot of fear of variables and things I don't get to control. Or fear of things not working how I want them to. Being afarid of not making enough money, or of landing in a season that is worse than what I am in, or "x" fill in the blank. I forget how liberating it can be to trust, try to have faith and let go of my need to KNOW what is going on. Now, that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind, because, you have to be smart about things. For me, I have to think bigger than me, because I have a marriage and a family to consider. Throwing out total control doesn't mean you throw out your intelligence too. Have to have both.
Another thing that is keeping me inspired is this group called "People of the Second Chance." They are an amazing community to be tied to, and I am glad to walk with them. Because I need to know grace in my life and in my leadership. And because it is important to be a person of grace and 2nd chances over and over and over. They are the grace version of how I feel about hope. I need to be a person of hope for myself on days when hope seems gone, and I need to be a person of hope because life is big and messy and beautiful, and it all points to a person. And hope is a powerful thing.
So, while you need to be smart and intentional about what/where you are going, hold to grace, cling to hope, and keep going.
Or, put it another way.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
hey all, quick warning. this blog is pretty much just for me. I mean, I'm posting it, and if you read it, that's fine. But I'm making a list for me of things to remember, and for me to have out on the web so I can always come back to it.
my grandmother passed away this week, and we had the funeral yesterday, and so, I'm working though it. But I made this list of memories one night after she was gone, and I wanted to keep it. Some are great and random and some are just fun. Ask me about them sometime if you want. my grandma was the best, so sharing stories is always okay. here goes...
::memories with mo::
> having a birthday buddy for 28 years (we had the same b-day)
> her house with the bright blue carpet
> the cars I played with at her house
> eating double stuff oreo's.
> going with my mom at least once a week to hang out and help house clean
> my growing/maturing ice cream palate (all before age 10). as follows:
* lime sherbet
* peppermint
* butter pecan (which I didn't like, and still don't)
* after dinner mint
> her keeping up with my changing soda preferences (some order similar to this):
* coke - dr. pepper - pepsi - coke - grape slice - pepsi - orange slice - grape slice - pepsi
> her spending the night with our family @ christmas, which was the best. make AWESOME cinnamon rolls on christmas morning, and open presents together (until i was an early teen?)
> watching the OJ Simpson highway chase (which didn't make sense. we didn't like OJ per se, but it was weird and we were over there hanging out, so we watched it)
> her house had a BIG hill in the back yard, which meant one thing: high speed slip 'n slide.
> climbing the crab apple tree in the back yard.
> racing her car in our front yard when I was a kid and she would leave to go home. (which grew from our yard to the neighbor's, and was almost 4 yards long before we retired the game.) she always let me win, though she made her car sound impressive with some neutral revving.
> the pillow she had in her car. had this massage thing that was dying, and it always made me laugh because I thought it sounded like a fart. she always put up with that too.
> her passenger window in her oldsmobile. it made an AWFUL sound when you rolled it up.
> beating on her pots and pans when I was a little kid. they all thought I would be a drummer when I grew up. whoops. : )
> her laugh/smile
> going with her places. I remember this one time we went to target, and I really wanted some cheesy toy, and I was being a brat about it, and she lovingly yet firmly told me to let it go. I still remember that, and hope to discipline my kids like that.
> going with her to kamp's, back when it was still a grocery store. i think about that every time I go eat there.
> visiting her up at epworth, in her various places. in her first apartment, she used to wave from the balcony when we would leave. i will never forget that. spending time there with her (with the fam or alone) were the best times. and she still kept oreo's around for us when we visited.
> eating lunch/dinner with her at epworth. I would show up in jeans and a polo (or something very un-fancy), but she would introduce us to everyone at dinner like we were the president.
> the green robe she made me when I was a kid. that thing was awesome.
> watching anything OSU with her. though, specifically football. she knew more about the football team player's, stats, etc. than i ever did. even recently.
> spending the night at her house when I was a kid.
> it was a big deal when she got cable, we got to go watch all sorts of stuff we didn't have at my house. lots of nickelodeon, and I remember watching rin tin tin episodes when I would spend the night.
> i remember hot chocolate and apple cider at her place when it got cold. good alternative to oreo's and milk in the winter.
> being in mother's day out with her. I remember thinking I would get away with more if she was in the room b/c she was my grandma.
> I remember my sister and I would try to sneak up on my mom and her while they would talk and we would play. she would always play along, but was ALWAYS aware which corner we would peek around. we never got through without getting caught.
> her and my sister getting into "love you more" fights. they would always work through this progression of who loved who the most, and it would always build and build and end in a lot of laughter and hugs. maybe the best game ever to play with a grandparent.
I will come back and add probably as I remember things, so feel free to come back and add to them in comments if you like. lots of memories.
I think the thing I loved most about her was that she taught me all about loving people well. She did a lot of things right, and she loved everybody so much. Her taking care of family was such a big deal for her, and she was incredible at being a leader in the fam, both in words of love and encouragement, and in actions. Simple things like giving grandkids cookies, telling people she loved them, spending time together.
Maybe it is nostalgia for me to run around places like kamp's and other places and such, but I think between how I grew up and knowing/watching how she lived, I learned a lot about the need to love people well, and the importance of loving where I live. And it has made loving OkC really easy too.
I will miss her terribly, but I have a lot of memories obviously. and those memories will help on days missing her hurts. and I trust that I will see her again, and it will be so much better the next time. Still hope she has oreo's though, and maybe coffee instead of milk, though I will always go for milk and oreo's. I could never outgrow that.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
my grandmother passed away this week, and we had the funeral yesterday, and so, I'm working though it. But I made this list of memories one night after she was gone, and I wanted to keep it. Some are great and random and some are just fun. Ask me about them sometime if you want. my grandma was the best, so sharing stories is always okay. here goes...
::memories with mo::
> having a birthday buddy for 28 years (we had the same b-day)
> her house with the bright blue carpet
> the cars I played with at her house
> eating double stuff oreo's.
> going with my mom at least once a week to hang out and help house clean
> my growing/maturing ice cream palate (all before age 10). as follows:
* lime sherbet
* peppermint
* butter pecan (which I didn't like, and still don't)
* after dinner mint
> her keeping up with my changing soda preferences (some order similar to this):
* coke - dr. pepper - pepsi - coke - grape slice - pepsi - orange slice - grape slice - pepsi
> her spending the night with our family @ christmas, which was the best. make AWESOME cinnamon rolls on christmas morning, and open presents together (until i was an early teen?)
> watching the OJ Simpson highway chase (which didn't make sense. we didn't like OJ per se, but it was weird and we were over there hanging out, so we watched it)
> her house had a BIG hill in the back yard, which meant one thing: high speed slip 'n slide.
> climbing the crab apple tree in the back yard.
> racing her car in our front yard when I was a kid and she would leave to go home. (which grew from our yard to the neighbor's, and was almost 4 yards long before we retired the game.) she always let me win, though she made her car sound impressive with some neutral revving.
> the pillow she had in her car. had this massage thing that was dying, and it always made me laugh because I thought it sounded like a fart. she always put up with that too.
> her passenger window in her oldsmobile. it made an AWFUL sound when you rolled it up.
> beating on her pots and pans when I was a little kid. they all thought I would be a drummer when I grew up. whoops. : )
> her laugh/smile
> going with her places. I remember this one time we went to target, and I really wanted some cheesy toy, and I was being a brat about it, and she lovingly yet firmly told me to let it go. I still remember that, and hope to discipline my kids like that.
> going with her to kamp's, back when it was still a grocery store. i think about that every time I go eat there.
> visiting her up at epworth, in her various places. in her first apartment, she used to wave from the balcony when we would leave. i will never forget that. spending time there with her (with the fam or alone) were the best times. and she still kept oreo's around for us when we visited.
> eating lunch/dinner with her at epworth. I would show up in jeans and a polo (or something very un-fancy), but she would introduce us to everyone at dinner like we were the president.
> the green robe she made me when I was a kid. that thing was awesome.
> watching anything OSU with her. though, specifically football. she knew more about the football team player's, stats, etc. than i ever did. even recently.
> spending the night at her house when I was a kid.
> it was a big deal when she got cable, we got to go watch all sorts of stuff we didn't have at my house. lots of nickelodeon, and I remember watching rin tin tin episodes when I would spend the night.
> i remember hot chocolate and apple cider at her place when it got cold. good alternative to oreo's and milk in the winter.
> being in mother's day out with her. I remember thinking I would get away with more if she was in the room b/c she was my grandma.
> I remember my sister and I would try to sneak up on my mom and her while they would talk and we would play. she would always play along, but was ALWAYS aware which corner we would peek around. we never got through without getting caught.
> her and my sister getting into "love you more" fights. they would always work through this progression of who loved who the most, and it would always build and build and end in a lot of laughter and hugs. maybe the best game ever to play with a grandparent.
I will come back and add probably as I remember things, so feel free to come back and add to them in comments if you like. lots of memories.
I think the thing I loved most about her was that she taught me all about loving people well. She did a lot of things right, and she loved everybody so much. Her taking care of family was such a big deal for her, and she was incredible at being a leader in the fam, both in words of love and encouragement, and in actions. Simple things like giving grandkids cookies, telling people she loved them, spending time together.
Maybe it is nostalgia for me to run around places like kamp's and other places and such, but I think between how I grew up and knowing/watching how she lived, I learned a lot about the need to love people well, and the importance of loving where I live. And it has made loving OkC really easy too.
I will miss her terribly, but I have a lot of memories obviously. and those memories will help on days missing her hurts. and I trust that I will see her again, and it will be so much better the next time. Still hope she has oreo's though, and maybe coffee instead of milk, though I will always go for milk and oreo's. I could never outgrow that.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
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