I don't know about you all, but for me, life feels so bipolar. I am excited about life, and about new possibilities, but not knowing where things are going sucks. The freedom of getting to do something new is sinking in, and I am almost excited about it now, even though the circumstances are complete crap. I try to love the church and yet the church fails people. I am really praying and excited for the chance to only have to have one job, so I can see my family more, and that more than anything makes the difficulty in my transition worth the pain and irritation. Yet, as I am trying to be positive and look forward to more time for family and friends, I am seeing the pain in friends' lives.
Life can be so dramatic sometimes, in terms of our light and dark. This poet I heard once wrote a whole poem about this idea of contrast. It's so great. Check it out here. The Church just celebrated the resurrection, yet churches are full of unhappy people, who fight with each other, and even more personally, people are content to attack each other. It deeply saddens me.
For instance, last week I spent an afternoon in court in a custody hearing for one of my students. The uniqueness of this case is that it was custody over where he goes to church. And while I still stand by that family, and hope that things work the way they want, I still have to step back and ask myself where in the world we landed that we go to court to let a judge dictate where our kids go to church, and who they can go with to church. I found out a friend of mine has left his wife in the middle of an adoption, and shotgunned that plan. I have another friend who just filed for divorce, and is probably about to join the crazy custody club. A student of mine is struggling with his decision a year ago to give up his parental rights to adoptive parents, and now he doesn't know how/where/what is going on with his daughter. And his daughter's mom won't speak to him. Life is just so fractured, so broken.
I think about this for me, after seeing one of my teaching pastors I respect say he is going on an 8 month leave to deal with "sins that have taken a toll on my marriage." Now, as a guy who works at a church (for now), I will say that there is something deeply wrong with how churches structure themselves, in that they leave a staff person NO space or time for family. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but those places are few and far between. For more on this idea, read this article. I think it articulates the whole thing really well. (side note: if you work for a church, READ THIS! you need to at least have the brain food)
And we are surprised when we see things like the Tiger Woods story. His story is not that unique I think. We don't allow ourselves the space to be together, and just be. My wife, who is AWESOME, called me out on this yesterday. I had the day off, but felt like I needed to be out doing something. Getting groceries, running around, checking email. She brought up the point that I didn't talk to her, was too busy checking emails, etc. and missed out on time with her. And I am a guy who loves to scream to the world to focus less on doing and more on being, yet in the panic of my life right now, somehow I lost sight of that. Like I needed to be on the run doing things to help out around the house to feel like I was contributing something. Not that it's bad for me to look for a new job or get groceries, because that has to happen, but to say "yeah, I have to get the job thing straight, but for now, wait on the emails. spend time at home and be present." I almost salvaged the afternoon from being a total wreck, but only because my wife called me out on it. (did I mention that she is AWESOME?)
For us, I think this means we have to make a brave decision. To be bold, and take steps to fight for the things that are MOST IMPORTANT. To believe in forgiveness and grace. As I read in a friend's blog we have to be less concerned with our safety, and more concerned with making the decisions we can live with. Am I okay with being the husband that ignores his wife to check email? No. So, what changes? Check email less? Different time? And that isn't that hard a decision really, but what about the deeply personal things that hurt us? What does it mean to get hurt by people, and to not move forward with the focus being to protect ourselves? If we dream things that are only within our power and are safe, is that really living? As my buddy's blog put it: "We can close up and shut down or we can learn and then trust again."
So for us who live in contrast, learn from those that wound you. Don't close down. (And know that I hate myself for writing that, but I still believe it) To shut down means you settle for something safe and manageable, and that's not what you were made for. It's not what I was created for. Relearn the art of quality time (again, speaking to myself here). And trust that light can be found in dark places, and that Love will set things right. Even that much more so if we allow Him to.
Redemption is real.
You are not alone.
I am not alone in my junk.
Life is not for regrets, and we are not the sum of our successes and failures.
Live deeper.
