my son saying i love you the other night.
Jónsi's new album go. amazing.
in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:
the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.
having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)
the great weather.
the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )
I don't know about you all, but for me, life feels so bipolar. I am excited about life, and about new possibilities, but not knowing where things are going sucks. The freedom of getting to do something new is sinking in, and I am almost excited about it now, even though the circumstances are complete crap. I try to love the church and yet the church fails people. I am really praying and excited for the chance to only have to have one job, so I can see my family more, and that more than anything makes the difficulty in my transition worth the pain and irritation. Yet, as I am trying to be positive and look forward to more time for family and friends, I am seeing the pain in friends' lives.
Life can be so dramatic sometimes, in terms of our light and dark. This poet I heard once wrote a whole poem about this idea of contrast. It's so great. Check it out here. The Church just celebrated the resurrection, yet churches are full of unhappy people, who fight with each other, and even more personally, people are content to attack each other. It deeply saddens me.
For instance, last week I spent an afternoon in court in a custody hearing for one of my students. The uniqueness of this case is that it was custody over where he goes to church. And while I still stand by that family, and hope that things work the way they want, I still have to step back and ask myself where in the world we landed that we go to court to let a judge dictate where our kids go to church, and who they can go with to church. I found out a friend of mine has left his wife in the middle of an adoption, and shotgunned that plan. I have another friend who just filed for divorce, and is probably about to join the crazy custody club. A student of mine is struggling with his decision a year ago to give up his parental rights to adoptive parents, and now he doesn't know how/where/what is going on with his daughter. And his daughter's mom won't speak to him. Life is just so fractured, so broken.
I think about this for me, after seeing one of my teaching pastors I respect say he is going on an 8 month leave to deal with "sins that have taken a toll on my marriage." Now, as a guy who works at a church (for now), I will say that there is something deeply wrong with how churches structure themselves, in that they leave a staff person NO space or time for family. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but those places are few and far between. For more on this idea, read this article. I think it articulates the whole thing really well. (side note: if you work for a church, READ THIS! you need to at least have the brain food)
And we are surprised when we see things like the Tiger Woods story. His story is not that unique I think. We don't allow ourselves the space to be together, and just be. My wife, who is AWESOME, called me out on this yesterday. I had the day off, but felt like I needed to be out doing something. Getting groceries, running around, checking email. She brought up the point that I didn't talk to her, was too busy checking emails, etc. and missed out on time with her. And I am a guy who loves to scream to the world to focus less on doing and more on being, yet in the panic of my life right now, somehow I lost sight of that. Like I needed to be on the run doing things to help out around the house to feel like I was contributing something. Not that it's bad for me to look for a new job or get groceries, because that has to happen, but to say "yeah, I have to get the job thing straight, but for now, wait on the emails. spend time at home and be present." I almost salvaged the afternoon from being a total wreck, but only because my wife called me out on it. (did I mention that she is AWESOME?)
For us, I think this means we have to make a brave decision. To be bold, and take steps to fight for the things that are MOST IMPORTANT. To believe in forgiveness and grace. As I read in a friend's blog we have to be less concerned with our safety, and more concerned with making the decisions we can live with. Am I okay with being the husband that ignores his wife to check email? No. So, what changes? Check email less? Different time? And that isn't that hard a decision really, but what about the deeply personal things that hurt us? What does it mean to get hurt by people, and to not move forward with the focus being to protect ourselves? If we dream things that are only within our power and are safe, is that really living? As my buddy's blog put it: "We can close up and shut down or we can learn and then trust again."
So for us who live in contrast, learn from those that wound you. Don't close down. (And know that I hate myself for writing that, but I still believe it) To shut down means you settle for something safe and manageable, and that's not what you were made for. It's not what I was created for. Relearn the art of quality time (again, speaking to myself here). And trust that light can be found in dark places, and that Love will set things right. Even that much more so if we allow Him to.
Redemption is real.
You are not alone.
I am not alone in my junk.
Life is not for regrets, and we are not the sum of our successes and failures.
Live deeper.
Let me tell you of the wonderful things that happen when you have connections. We have family that work at the zoo, which is AWESOME. As an added bonus to our zoo membership, the employee perk was we got the chance to take a tour of the new kid's zoo before it opened up on spring break.
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
I just saw this today visiting a friend's twitter page, and I have to say that my mind is blown by it. I had heard bits of the conversation surrounding this, but I didn't understand the degree to which Oklahoma City is involved in this.
For those of you that don't know, human trafficking is the "PC" way to refer to the human sex trade. (side note: keep an eye on this in Haiti too, because now that a semblance of stability is in place, this crime has re-started in Haiti, and it needs to be squashed now before it can get up and running again) It's not a pretty thing, and it's a horrible injustice to humanity, and to the heart of God. Nothing about this is okay, and I think it is something that needs to be combated against this. This kind of thing really makes me frustrated for the justice in the world (or seeming lack of), but it's a good kind of frustration. The kind that makes me want to be a person of action, not just anger and words.
Here is a video explaining a local group called "all things new" that is actually in Oklahoma City, doing some incredible work. My brain is already trying to think of ways to get involved and support them.
My friend's blog about this also listed his resources from the State Department's 2007 Trafficking In Persons (TIP) report. You can view that here.
I would encourage and challenge you guys to get involved too. Rage and fight against this kind of thing. And do whatever you can to help end it.
For those of you that don't know, human trafficking is the "PC" way to refer to the human sex trade. (side note: keep an eye on this in Haiti too, because now that a semblance of stability is in place, this crime has re-started in Haiti, and it needs to be squashed now before it can get up and running again) It's not a pretty thing, and it's a horrible injustice to humanity, and to the heart of God. Nothing about this is okay, and I think it is something that needs to be combated against this. This kind of thing really makes me frustrated for the justice in the world (or seeming lack of), but it's a good kind of frustration. The kind that makes me want to be a person of action, not just anger and words.
Here is a video explaining a local group called "all things new" that is actually in Oklahoma City, doing some incredible work. My brain is already trying to think of ways to get involved and support them.
My friend's blog about this also listed his resources from the State Department's 2007 Trafficking In Persons (TIP) report. You can view that here.
I would encourage and challenge you guys to get involved too. Rage and fight against this kind of thing. And do whatever you can to help end it.
The last few months have been tough. I have my share of tough things to slosh through, and I have had friends that have had their share of lousy things to trudge through as well. My students have had people from their schools commit suicide, and it has been a rough season for many for various reasons. (not to mention being too busy for my own good. it's taken me 4 days to get this entry finished!)
But the thing I want to point to is the idea to keep going. To stay on the move. I remember one of my friends in college saying that when he wasn't sure where/what all he wanted to do as he progressed in college, that he decided to stay in school rather than back off, saying it was better to keep moving than to stop. Made a lot of sense to me then, but it makes even more sense to me now. I appreciate his view on that a lot more than I used to.
And so, for you, if you are feeling the weight of life, keep going. I was talking to a friend today, and he was saying the same kind of stuff. Rather than having lots of vague questions of God with no answers, ask for some specific things, and see what happens. You will find answers, even if they are no's. Stay on the move, because that is a good place to be. As my friend said, by saying what you want, what you're thinking you allow God to acknowledge what you want, and He might say yes, or He might derail you, but you'll know where you are at least.
I have been asking myself questions since my vacation. Well, maybe a bit ON my vacation. Of asking where God is on the move, because He usually always is somewhere (side note: often times this IS OUTSIDE THE WALLS OF THE CHURCH!). And I have been asking a lot of where is He on the move. Haven't figured that all out yet, but I am hoping that when that happens I am in a good place, and that good things are going on.
And, at the same time, I have to overcome a lot of fear of variables and things I don't get to control. Or fear of things not working how I want them to. Being afarid of not making enough money, or of landing in a season that is worse than what I am in, or "x" fill in the blank. I forget how liberating it can be to trust, try to have faith and let go of my need to KNOW what is going on. Now, that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind, because, you have to be smart about things. For me, I have to think bigger than me, because I have a marriage and a family to consider. Throwing out total control doesn't mean you throw out your intelligence too. Have to have both.
Another thing that is keeping me inspired is this group called "People of the Second Chance." They are an amazing community to be tied to, and I am glad to walk with them. Because I need to know grace in my life and in my leadership. And because it is important to be a person of grace and 2nd chances over and over and over. They are the grace version of how I feel about hope. I need to be a person of hope for myself on days when hope seems gone, and I need to be a person of hope because life is big and messy and beautiful, and it all points to a person. And hope is a powerful thing.
So, while you need to be smart and intentional about what/where you are going, hold to grace, cling to hope, and keep going.
Or, put it another way.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
But the thing I want to point to is the idea to keep going. To stay on the move. I remember one of my friends in college saying that when he wasn't sure where/what all he wanted to do as he progressed in college, that he decided to stay in school rather than back off, saying it was better to keep moving than to stop. Made a lot of sense to me then, but it makes even more sense to me now. I appreciate his view on that a lot more than I used to.
And so, for you, if you are feeling the weight of life, keep going. I was talking to a friend today, and he was saying the same kind of stuff. Rather than having lots of vague questions of God with no answers, ask for some specific things, and see what happens. You will find answers, even if they are no's. Stay on the move, because that is a good place to be. As my friend said, by saying what you want, what you're thinking you allow God to acknowledge what you want, and He might say yes, or He might derail you, but you'll know where you are at least.
I have been asking myself questions since my vacation. Well, maybe a bit ON my vacation. Of asking where God is on the move, because He usually always is somewhere (side note: often times this IS OUTSIDE THE WALLS OF THE CHURCH!). And I have been asking a lot of where is He on the move. Haven't figured that all out yet, but I am hoping that when that happens I am in a good place, and that good things are going on.
And, at the same time, I have to overcome a lot of fear of variables and things I don't get to control. Or fear of things not working how I want them to. Being afarid of not making enough money, or of landing in a season that is worse than what I am in, or "x" fill in the blank. I forget how liberating it can be to trust, try to have faith and let go of my need to KNOW what is going on. Now, that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind, because, you have to be smart about things. For me, I have to think bigger than me, because I have a marriage and a family to consider. Throwing out total control doesn't mean you throw out your intelligence too. Have to have both.
Another thing that is keeping me inspired is this group called "People of the Second Chance." They are an amazing community to be tied to, and I am glad to walk with them. Because I need to know grace in my life and in my leadership. And because it is important to be a person of grace and 2nd chances over and over and over. They are the grace version of how I feel about hope. I need to be a person of hope for myself on days when hope seems gone, and I need to be a person of hope because life is big and messy and beautiful, and it all points to a person. And hope is a powerful thing.
So, while you need to be smart and intentional about what/where you are going, hold to grace, cling to hope, and keep going.
Or, put it another way.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
hey all, quick warning. this blog is pretty much just for me. I mean, I'm posting it, and if you read it, that's fine. But I'm making a list for me of things to remember, and for me to have out on the web so I can always come back to it.
my grandmother passed away this week, and we had the funeral yesterday, and so, I'm working though it. But I made this list of memories one night after she was gone, and I wanted to keep it. Some are great and random and some are just fun. Ask me about them sometime if you want. my grandma was the best, so sharing stories is always okay. here goes...
::memories with mo::
> having a birthday buddy for 28 years (we had the same b-day)
> her house with the bright blue carpet
> the cars I played with at her house
> eating double stuff oreo's.
> going with my mom at least once a week to hang out and help house clean
> my growing/maturing ice cream palate (all before age 10). as follows:
* lime sherbet
* peppermint
* butter pecan (which I didn't like, and still don't)
* after dinner mint
> her keeping up with my changing soda preferences (some order similar to this):
* coke - dr. pepper - pepsi - coke - grape slice - pepsi - orange slice - grape slice - pepsi
> her spending the night with our family @ christmas, which was the best. make AWESOME cinnamon rolls on christmas morning, and open presents together (until i was an early teen?)
> watching the OJ Simpson highway chase (which didn't make sense. we didn't like OJ per se, but it was weird and we were over there hanging out, so we watched it)
> her house had a BIG hill in the back yard, which meant one thing: high speed slip 'n slide.
> climbing the crab apple tree in the back yard.
> racing her car in our front yard when I was a kid and she would leave to go home. (which grew from our yard to the neighbor's, and was almost 4 yards long before we retired the game.) she always let me win, though she made her car sound impressive with some neutral revving.
> the pillow she had in her car. had this massage thing that was dying, and it always made me laugh because I thought it sounded like a fart. she always put up with that too.
> her passenger window in her oldsmobile. it made an AWFUL sound when you rolled it up.
> beating on her pots and pans when I was a little kid. they all thought I would be a drummer when I grew up. whoops. : )
> her laugh/smile
> going with her places. I remember this one time we went to target, and I really wanted some cheesy toy, and I was being a brat about it, and she lovingly yet firmly told me to let it go. I still remember that, and hope to discipline my kids like that.
> going with her to kamp's, back when it was still a grocery store. i think about that every time I go eat there.
> visiting her up at epworth, in her various places. in her first apartment, she used to wave from the balcony when we would leave. i will never forget that. spending time there with her (with the fam or alone) were the best times. and she still kept oreo's around for us when we visited.
> eating lunch/dinner with her at epworth. I would show up in jeans and a polo (or something very un-fancy), but she would introduce us to everyone at dinner like we were the president.
> the green robe she made me when I was a kid. that thing was awesome.
> watching anything OSU with her. though, specifically football. she knew more about the football team player's, stats, etc. than i ever did. even recently.
> spending the night at her house when I was a kid.
> it was a big deal when she got cable, we got to go watch all sorts of stuff we didn't have at my house. lots of nickelodeon, and I remember watching rin tin tin episodes when I would spend the night.
> i remember hot chocolate and apple cider at her place when it got cold. good alternative to oreo's and milk in the winter.
> being in mother's day out with her. I remember thinking I would get away with more if she was in the room b/c she was my grandma.
> I remember my sister and I would try to sneak up on my mom and her while they would talk and we would play. she would always play along, but was ALWAYS aware which corner we would peek around. we never got through without getting caught.
> her and my sister getting into "love you more" fights. they would always work through this progression of who loved who the most, and it would always build and build and end in a lot of laughter and hugs. maybe the best game ever to play with a grandparent.
I will come back and add probably as I remember things, so feel free to come back and add to them in comments if you like. lots of memories.
I think the thing I loved most about her was that she taught me all about loving people well. She did a lot of things right, and she loved everybody so much. Her taking care of family was such a big deal for her, and she was incredible at being a leader in the fam, both in words of love and encouragement, and in actions. Simple things like giving grandkids cookies, telling people she loved them, spending time together.
Maybe it is nostalgia for me to run around places like kamp's and other places and such, but I think between how I grew up and knowing/watching how she lived, I learned a lot about the need to love people well, and the importance of loving where I live. And it has made loving OkC really easy too.
I will miss her terribly, but I have a lot of memories obviously. and those memories will help on days missing her hurts. and I trust that I will see her again, and it will be so much better the next time. Still hope she has oreo's though, and maybe coffee instead of milk, though I will always go for milk and oreo's. I could never outgrow that.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
my grandmother passed away this week, and we had the funeral yesterday, and so, I'm working though it. But I made this list of memories one night after she was gone, and I wanted to keep it. Some are great and random and some are just fun. Ask me about them sometime if you want. my grandma was the best, so sharing stories is always okay. here goes...
::memories with mo::
> having a birthday buddy for 28 years (we had the same b-day)
> her house with the bright blue carpet
> the cars I played with at her house
> eating double stuff oreo's.
> going with my mom at least once a week to hang out and help house clean
> my growing/maturing ice cream palate (all before age 10). as follows:
* lime sherbet
* peppermint
* butter pecan (which I didn't like, and still don't)
* after dinner mint
> her keeping up with my changing soda preferences (some order similar to this):
* coke - dr. pepper - pepsi - coke - grape slice - pepsi - orange slice - grape slice - pepsi
> her spending the night with our family @ christmas, which was the best. make AWESOME cinnamon rolls on christmas morning, and open presents together (until i was an early teen?)
> watching the OJ Simpson highway chase (which didn't make sense. we didn't like OJ per se, but it was weird and we were over there hanging out, so we watched it)
> her house had a BIG hill in the back yard, which meant one thing: high speed slip 'n slide.
> climbing the crab apple tree in the back yard.
> racing her car in our front yard when I was a kid and she would leave to go home. (which grew from our yard to the neighbor's, and was almost 4 yards long before we retired the game.) she always let me win, though she made her car sound impressive with some neutral revving.
> the pillow she had in her car. had this massage thing that was dying, and it always made me laugh because I thought it sounded like a fart. she always put up with that too.
> her passenger window in her oldsmobile. it made an AWFUL sound when you rolled it up.
> beating on her pots and pans when I was a little kid. they all thought I would be a drummer when I grew up. whoops. : )
> her laugh/smile
> going with her places. I remember this one time we went to target, and I really wanted some cheesy toy, and I was being a brat about it, and she lovingly yet firmly told me to let it go. I still remember that, and hope to discipline my kids like that.
> going with her to kamp's, back when it was still a grocery store. i think about that every time I go eat there.
> visiting her up at epworth, in her various places. in her first apartment, she used to wave from the balcony when we would leave. i will never forget that. spending time there with her (with the fam or alone) were the best times. and she still kept oreo's around for us when we visited.
> eating lunch/dinner with her at epworth. I would show up in jeans and a polo (or something very un-fancy), but she would introduce us to everyone at dinner like we were the president.
> the green robe she made me when I was a kid. that thing was awesome.
> watching anything OSU with her. though, specifically football. she knew more about the football team player's, stats, etc. than i ever did. even recently.
> spending the night at her house when I was a kid.
> it was a big deal when she got cable, we got to go watch all sorts of stuff we didn't have at my house. lots of nickelodeon, and I remember watching rin tin tin episodes when I would spend the night.
> i remember hot chocolate and apple cider at her place when it got cold. good alternative to oreo's and milk in the winter.
> being in mother's day out with her. I remember thinking I would get away with more if she was in the room b/c she was my grandma.
> I remember my sister and I would try to sneak up on my mom and her while they would talk and we would play. she would always play along, but was ALWAYS aware which corner we would peek around. we never got through without getting caught.
> her and my sister getting into "love you more" fights. they would always work through this progression of who loved who the most, and it would always build and build and end in a lot of laughter and hugs. maybe the best game ever to play with a grandparent.
I will come back and add probably as I remember things, so feel free to come back and add to them in comments if you like. lots of memories.
I think the thing I loved most about her was that she taught me all about loving people well. She did a lot of things right, and she loved everybody so much. Her taking care of family was such a big deal for her, and she was incredible at being a leader in the fam, both in words of love and encouragement, and in actions. Simple things like giving grandkids cookies, telling people she loved them, spending time together.
Maybe it is nostalgia for me to run around places like kamp's and other places and such, but I think between how I grew up and knowing/watching how she lived, I learned a lot about the need to love people well, and the importance of loving where I live. And it has made loving OkC really easy too.
I will miss her terribly, but I have a lot of memories obviously. and those memories will help on days missing her hurts. and I trust that I will see her again, and it will be so much better the next time. Still hope she has oreo's though, and maybe coffee instead of milk, though I will always go for milk and oreo's. I could never outgrow that.
love on purpose.
live deeper.
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