So, in my whole journey out of church employment and into just going to church, I've been given a lot to think about. Mostly by myself of course, because I tend to enjoy over thinking things, but it's been a conversation that has been bigger than me at the same time. I have had quite a few conversations about it as of late, so I wanted to put some thoughts down on paper. I would love some discourse on this, so, intro out of the way, here we go...
SEARCHING FOR A CHURCH: SOME THOUGHTS
I think sometimes we think a lot of things about church-shopping, mostly:
1. that it's bad. (you're SHOPPING?! for a CHURCH?!?!?!? you don't SHOP for a church you PAGAN!!! REPENT!!!) Now, I'm not saying go to wal-mart and find the cheapest one that requires the least of you, but know that finding the right place sometimes means visiting lots of WRONG places. (even if it is just their poorly designed website)
2. that God will reveal to us in a chorus of 1000 angels that we have landed in the right church. No, probably not. Life is not an episode of touched by an angel. A dove won't fly into the picture and some lady next to you get a soft glow on top of her head and tell you in a thick irish accent that this is where you should be. It's much more natural than that. You find a community of people you relate to, God will place those people in front of you, and you'll know you're there. (Save the rest of this idea for part 2...)
3. that it is not worth the time/trouble/hastle/pain/etc... YES IT IS. It matters, because being a part of a community is seriously important. God wouldn't have built the Church if it wasn't something that mattered or that was supposed to exist. Some versions of church may be a horrible idea, but then, call me crazy, maybe those are the places you skip returning to. Doesn't mean all are bad. Some are really really great. That could be it's own blog, so we'll leave that as it is for now.
** important delineation to make here to: "attending services" is not the same as "going to church." Think about it.
4. that it will take forever - maybe, maybe not. doesn't mean it isn't worth the effort.
I have to say, it's been really freeing to dream about what church can look like, rather than settling for something that I might not really want to be a part of. And knowing that I am in no rush to find the place, but to really find the place I want to engage in has been really great. Maybe that's a good place to start, ask what you would LOVE in a place to join.
Part 2 coming up soon. Start dreaming. Live deeper.
As long as it's not like this, you'll be good:
A question I am pondering, for the Church, for me in relation to the Church (and church): What will you trade your life for? Feel like its an important question to ask, especially in chapter changes like I find myself in. We all trade for something. Money, power, love, fame, honor, country. How about you?
So, it hasn't really been 28 days, more like 40-ish, but the concept is there, right? Truth be told, it hasn't been that kind of detox. I'll explain. First you have to understand that as pastors, sometimes we are prone to ministry toxins. Sometimes we are aware of them, but do nothing, sometimes we try to avoid them, and sometimes they sneak up on us. But they are there none the less.
Ministry can be sort of like an exposure to something, I mean, good ministry - or just leadership for that matter - involves a lot of transparency. A lot of exposure. Putting yourself out there in a moment of honesty, hoping it works out. Some suffer the poison of the hero syndrome, in which they hold up their ministry on their shoulders, and refuse to budge, saying that they won't let go of the thing that God has entrusted them with, because it's their calling. They feel like its their duty to save the world by working in ministry, regardless the cost. This is a hard one to combat, because they play the "God has called me to this" card as often as possible, and hold it over any naysayers or critics. And truth be told, we (leaders) all want to feel like we matter, and playing the "save the cheerleader, save the world" card helps us feel good about ourselves (as if leadership and ministry were about us, right?)
Others suffer from buddy syndrome, in that everyone is good friends, and they don't want to leave their friends hanging, so they overcommit themselves, doing anything and everything that comes their way ministry-wise. Needless to say, they suffer massive burnout at times, and they don't understand why life isn't balanced.
Some simply exist with what I refer to as barnacle syndrome. Like a boat on the water collecting these toxic animals, taking on things that aren't necessarily healthy, though you can sail with them. If you sail with too many though, when they come off your rots out and then your boat sinks. And of course, the "why me God?" card is always in play here.
On some level, I have probably been a person needing treatment of all 3 of these in some sort of degree, though the one that finally did me in so to speak was barnacle syndrome. As I got ready to leave, I had a range of emotions, from being sad for the kids I was leaving to joy for the things that awaited when I left, the opportunity to go to a new church, and to see the life that was out there for me and my family. But as I got ready to leave, I knew I cared about the kids, but I began to pull away and detach emotionally from the place, and realized that I was a boat in a sea of barnacles. I had help fighting them off, but there was enough in the water that it was bad for me to keep the boat there.
Now, hear me right on this, there are lots of people there I love, and will always love and enjoy and be friends and care for. But, in the grand picture, it was a place that long term was not going to be healthy for me. This was a hard thing for me to admit, and I was not totally aware of it, because, you know, sometimes barnacles are under the surface. You don't know they are there til it's too late to do much. And I also thought it was just part of the job. While there is some truth to that, there isn't much to it. Toxic is toxic, exposure is bad. Period.
Being away was good for me, because this forced me cold turkey to cut off the barnacles. It's been tough, but it's also been good. It has been quite a challenge in a lot of ways, with more stress than I would have thought possible. Taking a pay cut, having major financial issues in the form of a busted transmission in one of our cars. And yet in all of this, we are still a float. I never really doubted that God would provide, but I didn't know where this road was heading, and I didn't like that. On some level, the selfish jerk in me still doesn't.
In those moments, I found myself fighting something I claim to hate: entitlement. Somewhere I found myself saying "God, why did you DO this? I mean, I gave up a good career path, good money, security, for youth ministry. And now you've left me out in the cold. What the crap?! You owe me better than that." That last phrase would stop me, because what I know is, God doesn't owe me a thing. In all honesty, at the end of the day, He doesn't owe me anything at all. Yet here I am, asking what His deal is, why he is making life so difficult, and yet, He has provided in ways I would have never imagined.
Don Miller's latest book talks about the importance of living a good story, and on some level, I feel like I am writing one heck of a chapter right now. He makes this reference to why abused people stay in their situation though, and he said "[they] are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation is bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay."
Reading that, I wondered if that was my job at church. Good times with the kids, but past that, I was in an environment that wasn't a story I should be writing or living. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Not just in abusive relationships, but in everyday relationships? In our jobs? In the churches that we attend (regardless of whether or not we work for them.)? How much did I lose relationally at home by ignoring my buddy syndrome? How much unnecessary crap did I have to deal with by not being intentional about cutting out the barnacles instead of letting them build up? Did I really cause more harm than good if I ever played the hero, taking credit away from God?
What if we all have been living less of a story than we should? Enter detox. And so, while leaving was hard, I knew it was the right thing to do. And knowing that God is providing what I need, even in weird ways and methods, and I don't fully get the why behind this all yet, I know that my father loves me. And in that, I have all I need.
live deeper.
Ministry can be sort of like an exposure to something, I mean, good ministry - or just leadership for that matter - involves a lot of transparency. A lot of exposure. Putting yourself out there in a moment of honesty, hoping it works out. Some suffer the poison of the hero syndrome, in which they hold up their ministry on their shoulders, and refuse to budge, saying that they won't let go of the thing that God has entrusted them with, because it's their calling. They feel like its their duty to save the world by working in ministry, regardless the cost. This is a hard one to combat, because they play the "God has called me to this" card as often as possible, and hold it over any naysayers or critics. And truth be told, we (leaders) all want to feel like we matter, and playing the "save the cheerleader, save the world" card helps us feel good about ourselves (as if leadership and ministry were about us, right?)
Others suffer from buddy syndrome, in that everyone is good friends, and they don't want to leave their friends hanging, so they overcommit themselves, doing anything and everything that comes their way ministry-wise. Needless to say, they suffer massive burnout at times, and they don't understand why life isn't balanced.
Some simply exist with what I refer to as barnacle syndrome. Like a boat on the water collecting these toxic animals, taking on things that aren't necessarily healthy, though you can sail with them. If you sail with too many though, when they come off your rots out and then your boat sinks. And of course, the "why me God?" card is always in play here.
On some level, I have probably been a person needing treatment of all 3 of these in some sort of degree, though the one that finally did me in so to speak was barnacle syndrome. As I got ready to leave, I had a range of emotions, from being sad for the kids I was leaving to joy for the things that awaited when I left, the opportunity to go to a new church, and to see the life that was out there for me and my family. But as I got ready to leave, I knew I cared about the kids, but I began to pull away and detach emotionally from the place, and realized that I was a boat in a sea of barnacles. I had help fighting them off, but there was enough in the water that it was bad for me to keep the boat there.
Now, hear me right on this, there are lots of people there I love, and will always love and enjoy and be friends and care for. But, in the grand picture, it was a place that long term was not going to be healthy for me. This was a hard thing for me to admit, and I was not totally aware of it, because, you know, sometimes barnacles are under the surface. You don't know they are there til it's too late to do much. And I also thought it was just part of the job. While there is some truth to that, there isn't much to it. Toxic is toxic, exposure is bad. Period.
Being away was good for me, because this forced me cold turkey to cut off the barnacles. It's been tough, but it's also been good. It has been quite a challenge in a lot of ways, with more stress than I would have thought possible. Taking a pay cut, having major financial issues in the form of a busted transmission in one of our cars. And yet in all of this, we are still a float. I never really doubted that God would provide, but I didn't know where this road was heading, and I didn't like that. On some level, the selfish jerk in me still doesn't.
In those moments, I found myself fighting something I claim to hate: entitlement. Somewhere I found myself saying "God, why did you DO this? I mean, I gave up a good career path, good money, security, for youth ministry. And now you've left me out in the cold. What the crap?! You owe me better than that." That last phrase would stop me, because what I know is, God doesn't owe me a thing. In all honesty, at the end of the day, He doesn't owe me anything at all. Yet here I am, asking what His deal is, why he is making life so difficult, and yet, He has provided in ways I would have never imagined.
Don Miller's latest book talks about the importance of living a good story, and on some level, I feel like I am writing one heck of a chapter right now. He makes this reference to why abused people stay in their situation though, and he said "[they] are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation is bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay."
Reading that, I wondered if that was my job at church. Good times with the kids, but past that, I was in an environment that wasn't a story I should be writing or living. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Not just in abusive relationships, but in everyday relationships? In our jobs? In the churches that we attend (regardless of whether or not we work for them.)? How much did I lose relationally at home by ignoring my buddy syndrome? How much unnecessary crap did I have to deal with by not being intentional about cutting out the barnacles instead of letting them build up? Did I really cause more harm than good if I ever played the hero, taking credit away from God?
What if we all have been living less of a story than we should? Enter detox. And so, while leaving was hard, I knew it was the right thing to do. And knowing that God is providing what I need, even in weird ways and methods, and I don't fully get the why behind this all yet, I know that my father loves me. And in that, I have all I need.
live deeper.
Hey there blog. Long time no see.
I have had a lot of thoughts about life, shocker right? With all the crazy transitions that life has had recently, I have had lots to think about, right? Strangely, lots of people think I am really angry I think. I will post later, but I am actually not so bitter about the whole thing really.
I'm mostly putting this up to hold myself accountable that the thoughts in my head need to get out on paper (metaphorical or otherwise). So, I hope to have something for you soon.
But please know that the last month, while hard at times, has been good on the whole. Sort of like detoxing, getting rid of things that needed to go you know? There are parts I will always love and miss, but on the whole, detox is a good word for the last month. Even with all the stress.
Anyways, see you soon out there.
live deeper...
I have had a lot of thoughts about life, shocker right? With all the crazy transitions that life has had recently, I have had lots to think about, right? Strangely, lots of people think I am really angry I think. I will post later, but I am actually not so bitter about the whole thing really.
I'm mostly putting this up to hold myself accountable that the thoughts in my head need to get out on paper (metaphorical or otherwise). So, I hope to have something for you soon.
But please know that the last month, while hard at times, has been good on the whole. Sort of like detoxing, getting rid of things that needed to go you know? There are parts I will always love and miss, but on the whole, detox is a good word for the last month. Even with all the stress.
Anyways, see you soon out there.
live deeper...
my son saying i love you the other night.
Jónsi's new album go. amazing.
in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:
the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.
having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)
the great weather.
the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )
Jónsi's new album go. amazing.
in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:
the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.
having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)
the great weather.
the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )
I don't know about you all, but for me, life feels so bipolar. I am excited about life, and about new possibilities, but not knowing where things are going sucks. The freedom of getting to do something new is sinking in, and I am almost excited about it now, even though the circumstances are complete crap. I try to love the church and yet the church fails people. I am really praying and excited for the chance to only have to have one job, so I can see my family more, and that more than anything makes the difficulty in my transition worth the pain and irritation. Yet, as I am trying to be positive and look forward to more time for family and friends, I am seeing the pain in friends' lives.
Life can be so dramatic sometimes, in terms of our light and dark. This poet I heard once wrote a whole poem about this idea of contrast. It's so great. Check it out here. The Church just celebrated the resurrection, yet churches are full of unhappy people, who fight with each other, and even more personally, people are content to attack each other. It deeply saddens me.
For instance, last week I spent an afternoon in court in a custody hearing for one of my students. The uniqueness of this case is that it was custody over where he goes to church. And while I still stand by that family, and hope that things work the way they want, I still have to step back and ask myself where in the world we landed that we go to court to let a judge dictate where our kids go to church, and who they can go with to church. I found out a friend of mine has left his wife in the middle of an adoption, and shotgunned that plan. I have another friend who just filed for divorce, and is probably about to join the crazy custody club. A student of mine is struggling with his decision a year ago to give up his parental rights to adoptive parents, and now he doesn't know how/where/what is going on with his daughter. And his daughter's mom won't speak to him. Life is just so fractured, so broken.
I think about this for me, after seeing one of my teaching pastors I respect say he is going on an 8 month leave to deal with "sins that have taken a toll on my marriage." Now, as a guy who works at a church (for now), I will say that there is something deeply wrong with how churches structure themselves, in that they leave a staff person NO space or time for family. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but those places are few and far between. For more on this idea, read this article. I think it articulates the whole thing really well. (side note: if you work for a church, READ THIS! you need to at least have the brain food)
And we are surprised when we see things like the Tiger Woods story. His story is not that unique I think. We don't allow ourselves the space to be together, and just be. My wife, who is AWESOME, called me out on this yesterday. I had the day off, but felt like I needed to be out doing something. Getting groceries, running around, checking email. She brought up the point that I didn't talk to her, was too busy checking emails, etc. and missed out on time with her. And I am a guy who loves to scream to the world to focus less on doing and more on being, yet in the panic of my life right now, somehow I lost sight of that. Like I needed to be on the run doing things to help out around the house to feel like I was contributing something. Not that it's bad for me to look for a new job or get groceries, because that has to happen, but to say "yeah, I have to get the job thing straight, but for now, wait on the emails. spend time at home and be present." I almost salvaged the afternoon from being a total wreck, but only because my wife called me out on it. (did I mention that she is AWESOME?)
For us, I think this means we have to make a brave decision. To be bold, and take steps to fight for the things that are MOST IMPORTANT. To believe in forgiveness and grace. As I read in a friend's blog we have to be less concerned with our safety, and more concerned with making the decisions we can live with. Am I okay with being the husband that ignores his wife to check email? No. So, what changes? Check email less? Different time? And that isn't that hard a decision really, but what about the deeply personal things that hurt us? What does it mean to get hurt by people, and to not move forward with the focus being to protect ourselves? If we dream things that are only within our power and are safe, is that really living? As my buddy's blog put it: "We can close up and shut down or we can learn and then trust again."
So for us who live in contrast, learn from those that wound you. Don't close down. (And know that I hate myself for writing that, but I still believe it) To shut down means you settle for something safe and manageable, and that's not what you were made for. It's not what I was created for. Relearn the art of quality time (again, speaking to myself here). And trust that light can be found in dark places, and that Love will set things right. Even that much more so if we allow Him to.
Redemption is real.
You are not alone.
I am not alone in my junk.
Life is not for regrets, and we are not the sum of our successes and failures.
Live deeper.
Let me tell you of the wonderful things that happen when you have connections. We have family that work at the zoo, which is AWESOME. As an added bonus to our zoo membership, the employee perk was we got the chance to take a tour of the new kid's zoo before it opened up on spring break.
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.
But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.
We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.
That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.
And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.
Then I found $5!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)