oh it makes my head hurt...

Wow. So I had zero intention of blogging today at all. It's been a bit of a frustrating weekend (you don't want to know), and I'm really tired. I had my full week at church (40+), and I managed to rock like 30+ hours at starbucks at the same time. Side note: if you ever go work for starbucks, try to not open one morning (thursday), close that night, open the next morning (friday), open again (saturday), and close at a totally different store that night. I tried that last week. Stupid, but it is going to get me cheap insurance, so it'll be worth the stress in a month or so. And I won't have to do that again I don't think, so that'll help.

Anycrap, all my sleepy-crabby-annoyed self aside, I just have to tell you how embarrassed I am about living in Oklahoma when crap like this pops up on national news websites. It's on other sites too, like yahoo, cnn, etc. If you'd like to see their website, here it is. It doesn't even look like a youth website. This creeps me out a lot too. It feels very Jesus-camp-ish.

What's really funny about the whole thing is the website. You should look at it. All I have to say is, if you invite me to something with "red HOT preaching, multiple games, skits, activities, and MUCH more" I'm probably going to try and not snicker while you invite me. And what exactly happens during a "Soulwinning Blitz?" I'm guessing you go around and blanket the neighborhood in teenagers who ask people if they were going to die tonight, do they know where they're going? Followed by a really "great" tract on how to believe in Jesus. Team with the most converts wins extra chances at the AR-15. That's right, they're giving away an AR-15. I don't know, maybe they offer to show them where they're going via the AR-15.

Here's where I get lost though, the big drama from these guys is their AR-15 giveaway. They advertise on their website more than once about the "AR-15 giveaway," and then they say this:

 "Although the shooting competition that was to take place during the Youth Conference had been canceled, due to false statements^* made by the Oklahoma City TV Channel 5 (KOCO) and subsequently reported also by media outlets across the country, an AR-15 was donated last Saturday so that the competition could go on as planned. 

If Congress, back when our country was fighting for its independence could give engraved muskets to the fifteen or so eleven year old boys that their teacher, Mr. Akins, led into battle against the British, then we can give away a firearm still today, especially since our Supreme Court just re-emphasized our Second Amendment rights."

Like I said, it makes my head hurt. And it kinda makes me ashamed of Oklahoma. Fortunately, they aren't the majority, otherwise I would probably look at a non-neighboring state as my new place to live. 

Who exactly donates an $800 assault rifle to a church anyways? Don't even get me started on the implications of this stuff. That's like it's own blog post itself, but one I won't write, because it would be a stupid long rant of stuff you probably know already. Things like "Jesus seemed to prefer non-violence" and "I didn't know the Bible and the Constitution were interchangeable in church settings." 

If you are looking at the website, check out "Crunch Revival" boy there. He's scary, but not in a chuck norris kind of way. That's for sure.

I'm sorry WHBC, I think I'll have to skip your youth conference. You can keep your little "Soulwinning Blitz" and I'm going to keep my $45. 

Guess I should look into a flak jacket soon too. Who knows when one of these kids may stop by to catch me during the blitz? Hope it isn't last year's winner, packing his AR-15. 

monday is a weird day

Okay, first off, let me just bust all over the "great state" of texas. Texans think they are absolutely amazing and all, but no more! Between my buddy Wes' stories of SAD, which for those of you who don't know means SA-Dallas. (i'll leave the first 2 to your imagination, think traffic and all things miserable) The today show has undone anything good that Texas had going for it in about 4 minutes. Oklahoma's got weird places and crap and all, but nothing as bad as the museum Plano is boasting. Ugh. 

Now an odd local story. I have this guy who rides a bike near my house, and one of these days I'm going to take a picture of him because you all need to see him. He's just weird. 

He rides a bicycle (nothing fancy, probably the wal-mart special), with a motorcycle helmet. Think the one where the whole front is a piece of plastic. Almost like those face shields the morgue guy on CSI wears, but tinted black so you can't see his face. next, throw in blue jeans, a long sleeve shirt with a khaki vest, as in the fall/winter insulated vest that you wear in the cold. And leather work gloves. And I've seen this guy probably once a week for the last 6 or 7 weeks. So, basically, he's dressed for fall yard work and motorcycle riding all in 90 degree weather. I'm wondering if he's a vampire or something, and exposure to sunlight will end it all for him. But, I'm a little worried to just roll down the window and chat, I mean, what if he IS a vampire? Or at least creepy. I mean the work gloves and the vest make me wonder...

still stuck on community...

So this week I got to see some really good friends that I haven't seen in what feels like a really long time. It was really good to see them too. We're both pregnant fam's and are due like a week apart from each other. Pretty nuts how that worked out (and no, we didn't plan that). We talked photography some though (totally different from my other buddy's stuff because it's outdoors and on color slides, zero photoshopping!) and what it's like living out by the grand tetons. I'm still jealous they live there in a lot of ways. Oh, and I got my butt kicked at Wii bowling, but that's alright. I'm neither a Wii owner, or much of a bowler. 

Anyways it was really great to see them and catch up. And it reminded me of why Courtney & I are so spread thin in the "people we see often" department. Don't get me wrong, we have people we see often, and I am SO thankful for those people, because they are such a vital part of our lives (you know who you are...mc's!). They keep us sane frankly. But, at the same time, I see the value of of having more than one couple that we can really hang out with and really be ourselves and be transparent with too. And for us, even being in the same chapter, in that we're both about a month out from our lives taking a major chapter change, being able to talk about that stuff, and the things we keep hoping for in our lives and the lives of our kids (which btw, totally looking forward to raiding the parks in OKC with Luke), it is just good for us. I wish we had more of that honestly. I mean, I left their house that night feeling like I'd been with family, but that's to be expected as this guy's been like a brother to me in a lot of ways for a good chunk of my life. But even more than that, I left feeling like I'd just gotten a reminder of what deep, Jesus-centered community looks like. To be together, to share in the ups & downs, to eat together (which I hadn't planned on, but Myra doesn't let you come over and party without making awesome food!), and to laugh and have fun. I don't think you can ever get enough of that. I know I don't at least.

And it's always fun to listen to Bobby & Jamie talking in their own little "semi-cowboy spanglish" that they've got going on. Hilarious. You don't even know. 

So yeah, that couple hours was something I deeply needed, and so enjoyed. And it left me wishing that I had that more often. And it leaves me wondering where exactly to find that too. That unfortunately hasn't changed for me. I'm looking forward to the day it does though. Apparently the UMC has decided to make it a major point of importance to find young people to bring to the church, I hope we're not starting that project too late. I hope it pans out because I find myself longing for that kind of community. 

What are you longing for? What is the thing your heart wishes for deeply? 

experiments in silence & noise... (for the youth group!)

so, this last weekend, and God stirred the waters up at youth. That's never a bad thing, right? 

actually, I'm really excited about it. 

I think it's going to be a great thing for us. 

About a month or so ago, I was really aware of the fact that we don't spend a lot of time just being still before God. I know I've heard tons of people talk about this too, but I was actually feeling it in my heart. It was almost like being sick or kinda depressed, like how your body feels heavy. I really felt like I - and the group of people I'm around at church - need to sort of rediscover that part of life. Being intentional and carving out space to be quiet before God. It honestly reminded me a bit of my late high school years, when I'd get together with people at a friend's house, and we'd just sing songs, pray, and read scripture. We didn't structure or program, we just showed up and our agenda was as simple as 'we want to be in the presence of God.' That was our agenda. 

What's crazy is that it worked. 

No "over-programming the crap out of stuff," just us being still and listening for what God wanted to be and know. It was really amazing. Honestly, it was one of the most important things for me as far as shaping my thoughts and beliefs about God. And when college & life didn't pan out, and I found myself wondering whether or not God was really in charge of things, I remembered the times and places I'd seen him move around me, and I know those things were too big to be circumstantial. 

All that to say, I had sort of planned to bring this idea up, and not even this soon, it just sort of happened. And it really sparked something. And that's not to say "go me! you planned something!" that's really to say that God wanted this thing to happen, and while I was getting there, He decided to go ahead and get it moving. Fine by me. His timing is better than mine anyways. It's encouraging because I feel like I'm pointed the direction God wants us to go. 

And that's a really good thing.

And, I've had some conversations with some of the youth in our group about it, and it seems to be hitting a place that for some, is a deep desire for them. To really know and be aware that God is close. Or to reawaken in some cases. For some, it's something they're waking up to entirely. 

And that's a really REALLY good thing.

All that to say, we all agreed to try this "silence" thing out for the week, and see what's good about it, what's hard about it, and if anything happens. For me, I sometimes need music to get me to a point to be still, so I put a playlist together for us all to check out. Feel free to come use it if you feel like it fits you. 

I'm going to journal during this whole thing too, so, if you've never journaled, feel free to do so. If you need ideas of what that looks like, feel free to ask me about it. 

Have a good, quiet week. 

bipolar tuesday... and wednesday?

Well, my bipolar adventure continues, so it seems. 

Yesterday, I mentioned having a bipolar week, and that it related to my work in church, and on the one hand, I feel like that's deserving of an obvious "DUH!" but I realize not everyone has that experience working in a church, paid, volunteer, or otherwise. For the record, I'm jealous of those of you who don't have that happen, though I keep telling myself that it's good for me in the long run. Pop psychology!!!! woo-hoooo!!

Here's what I mean. Things are good. Jesus is good, heck, GREAT, in spite of me. One of the things I love is how God works in spite of us and our shortcomings. I try to make my only agenda going the direction that God is calling us as a group, and to not get bogged down in the mean time, but I have a hard time learning to let things be as they are. 

By that I mean, my heart aches at how life goes in church. There are good things going on, but at the same time, there is conflict and resistance in people, and it creates tension that I wish wasn't there. I'm a firm believer that God offends the mind to reveal the heart, and so on some level I'm okay with the conflict, but it all feels so unhealthy. That's where it gets hard. And it's hard to watch students leave and no one really go after them too. I feel it's a very "mega-church" move of us to do that, for the front and back doors to be wide open to coming & going. And I don't say that to take a jab at mega-churches, I think there are lots of big churches that do great things. I think we even NEED mega-churches. But our group has this strange resistance & hostility to mega-churches, so I say it's a "mega-church move" on our part because we do the same things as churches we claim to not like. (The church I speak of isn't important, but my students that read this will know the church I'm talking about, and that's all I mean by this) 

I was looking around at some facebook pages, and seeing where my friends were a year ago, and seeing where they are now, (and I know facebook isn't always accurate, but it's who they portray themselves as, so on some level, it's who they want to be) and my heart hurts seeing where some of our students are. 

And we let them leave. 

No one stopped to try and encourage them to stick around. And when we mention not seeing "so-and-so" in a while, it gets glossed over and we say "well, you probably WON'T see them around." meaning something along the lines of "I don't think they're living very Christian right now, so we won't see them." and my heart weeps for that. THAT is one of the cancers that will kill the Church from the inside out. To accept that they aren't "living right" (i.e. to MY standard) and so clearly they gave up on the church. Even if they did, why do we let them give up on us? If we don't go after them, then their giving up on us was right! That shouldn't be the case. 

ever.

I see this in churches that fight for college ministries too. Lots of places say "college kids just come eat our food and don't give financially, but they'll come back later when they're married & have kids." (i.e. when they're stable and can give their tithe to us) That may have been true once, but it's not anymore. I see this in my age group. 

We aren't coming back (people my age I mean). And my wife and I feel like THE minority in our church. 

It makes staying hard. Can I say that? (I mean, I just did!) Is it a career-busting move for a church staff person to say that staying in a church is hard because you don't feel like there is a community for you? I don't know, but that's where we are. We know one other couple in our church (500 people) that is our age. Everyone else is way older or way younger. 

And at the same time (here's the manic upswing of my bipolar-ness), Jesus gives me such hope for the future of things. And I feel so good and excited about being a part of a story that is bigger than me. About being a part of God's story, and about being a part of the youth group that I'm in. Even if I left this job tomorrow, I'd still stick around as a volunteer because I believe so much in what we're doing as a ministry and as a group. 

So, and this is an open question to all of you that might read this: how do I reconcile all of this? How do I justify what we do, when things are being done wrong? We do some things wrong and poor, and some things great and well, so does it all offset? What do I do with this ache in my heart for things to be different? For us to be different? Do I just accept that we're all sons & daughters in God's kingdom and that our flaws get in the way, or do I get upset and rebel against the things we do wrong? 

And how the heck do I find community in a place that doesn't offer it?

my bipolar tuesday...

Today is making for a strange day. it's been a sort of building thing, all slowly creeping to a point I suppose. But today feels like a very bipolar sort of day. The rain makes it seem all the more appropriate really. 

First, there are good things. I'm enjoying working at starbucks in my free time, and the free coffee I get for working there isn't hurting any either. But at the same time, I'm starting to dread waking up at 2 am to feed Lucas (once that happens) and then wake up at 4 to go to work. That'll be so worth it, but so exhausting, it makes me tired just thinking about it.

And I've found a new toy to enjoy. Adobe has launched this new thing called Photoshop Express, and it's super cool. I've posted a few pics that I've taken lately of the day lilies we have in our back yard, and they look pretty good. Most of the work was actual Photoshop, and not express, but it's a super cool place to put your pictures if nothing else. Feel free to stop by and check out the flowers that are taking over my back yard in a jungle kinda way here. 

Here's where things get stupid. So, we bought a crib a few weeks back, second hand, from a friend of a relative, one of those my friend will cut you a deal kind of things. So, we got a crib, a changing table, and a dresser for like $400, which each of the same pieces & same brand new costs $400 a piece. Good deal, eh? Here's where it gets sticky... the crib is a piece of crap. So, really we paid $400 for 2 good pieces of furniture and a headboard. Because after order $50 worth of screws & bolts from the manufacturer, we learned that the screw holes that hold the whole thing together are stripped out and won't work. Here's where it gets stickier... the lady told us we could return it if we couldn't find parts, but because we found parts she won't take it back. So, then we bought a new crib this weekend, which sucks, but we got it about $100 less than we should have. And it holds together like it's supposed to, which is a plus of course. So, anyone who's thinking about having kids, make sure you have the parts, and that they all work BEFORE you buy a crib, even if it's a friend of a friend... sometimes those turn out to be the shadiest of all people.

And so life feels like this a lot lately, a lot of swings up & down & up & down. It's quite draining, along with everything else in life all going on at the same time. And all the while, I'm trying to dream things for what our family wants, what I want life to look like, the things that I'm praying for and hoping for my son, all sorts of stuff, and it gets exhausting. Then there's all my thoughts about youth ministry, and the youth ministry that I'm in, specifically. I have thoughts on that, but that's a post for a later time. Come back soon and check it out if you're curious what I think about it, but know it's bipolar too.  : )  it's that kind of season. maybe it's in the water...

pics from Lucas' ultrasound

This is only a link to the rest of the pictures, but feel free to take a look at them if you want. I know it's a lot of pictures, and maybe more than some of you want to look at, which is totally fine. Anyways, here ya go!